I've been lying to everyone and here's why it's time to stop...

This is an opinion piece which may contain triggers for c-section and birth issues.

 

Hi my name is Polly and I've been telling I lie, some days it's a huge lie, other days it's a teeny fib and it's one that I've been telling different forms of my whole life and today it's time to put an end to that.

 

If I see you the street, or we talk on the phone, or online, or you round for a cuppa I'm going to tell you this lie and the thing is I have a sneaking suspicion you'll tell me this lie too. So here's an open invitation for us all to stop.

 

I'm seeing a lot of anger on social media recently, a lot of fear, the political climate is downright scary and people are divided in many ways. However I still like to genuinely believe it's where we can connect, debate and find common grounds. So in the spirit of fostering a more gentle, honest communication platform I'll go first and finally share my truth:

 

I told you I was doing fine.

That's not strictly true.

Somedays the world is all rainbows, unicorns sunshine, bliss and possibilities.

Somedays it's darkness

 

Right now my baby is poorly, I'm sick, she's not sleeping as a general rule, I need an operation on my knee, I'm raising a baby, running a business, teaching yoga and studying 2 subjects from home whilst undergoing therapy for PTSD from the circumstances surrounding my Caesarean Section, and... 

 

...yes that is all a bit much sometimes.

 

The birth of my child wasn't quite the magical moment I'd expected. I had a a capable yet emotionally immature midwife who with all her years of experience was simply unable to bend to the possibility of hypnobirthing and so she stampeded the whole process with stress as we weren't doing things traditionally (I'm working on forgiving her, I'm almost there watch this space) leading me into a 40 hour debacle ending in a poorly executed C-section and a further 6 months of fever, sepsis triggers and pain.

 

One day I was able to walk, the next I couldn't move my body and I would lie convulsing in sweats and pain, I'd loose my legs and core muscles for a few days. I was staying at my mum's house at the time on the 3rd floor attic during a heatwave wave with one skylight window so I'd lie in the hot dark bed shaking whilst my husband would bring the baby every couple of hours to feed her. There were times on the operating table when the bleed started and the doctors began to move faster and keep me awake and few in that room where I believed I would die. The fever and lack of sleep made it all a bit more dramatic as I'd lie awake at night running through what I could have done differently to give a natural birth and not suffer these complications, confronting the midwife featured heavily in these nights up. As did what my daughters wedding day, what would it look like if I didn't make it? Would she marry a man, a woman, would she still be a woman? Would she travel the world, would she whisper my name in the wind? Would she miss me if she hadn't known me for more than a few days? She would never remember my face.

 

I felt shame and anger that I'd failed to give birth naturally, but I hid it. I was scared every minute that I'd die, but I hid it. There was a point during the insomnia and fever when I genuinely believed there were ghosts in the house and I was afraid to move, but I hid it. Instead of communicating I told my husband to get some rest, I told him to eat more and checked he'd had time to shower, I told people to stop fussing, I smiled, I joked I mothered everyone else and I just kept at it. I WAS FINE! You wouldn't have a clue during my recovery the extent of my trauma, I had such a brave face. I wasn't ready to feel it yet.  We're so good at hiding our emotions god knows what we're all really going through.

 

I'm over the worst of it but life still triggers me and suddenly I can't leave the house, can't concentrate on cooking, can't remember what I was doing, can't really work out why I'm so petrified, why it's hard to breath and even harder to communicate. I even opened a business when my daughter was just 11 days old anything to keep up the lie of being fine. I want to add I know people went through far worse than me and I'm filled with gratitude for my healthy daughter this and my yoga practice have saved my life. I am blessed but it's ok to have a little darkness inside of the light, not everything has to be roses in order to appreciate what you have.

 

And here's the really important part of my truth: it's ok to have dark days. That doesn't mean you're any weaker and that you're failing.

 

 

Last night something really triggered me so badly that I feel compelled to share. I'm not doing so for sympathy, I'm simply tired from the weight of carrying a narrative that isn't my 100% authentic truth. So I'm putting it out there to share with the world to help me carry it a bit, together we can lighten other peoples loads and that's my motivation to get this all off my chest and move on.

 

I'd like to inspire a bit of kindness towards people.  I know I've been elite at hiding my pain so I can only imagine others are too, we don't know what people are going through so let's do our best to uplift whenever we can, there's too many things tearing people down we don't need to add to that.

 

If you have the time to stay a while, I'd like to talk about last nights trigger and also about the  the lessons I've learned and the beauty I've found in my darkness. I'd like to start with how the internet plays a big part in our lives these days. We've never before been so connected in this way so how is it in someways isolating us?

 

Now I'm not normally one to air my dirty laundry in public BUT husband and his business were subject to barrage of angry slander yesterday so you've poked the bear and for once here's my 10 pence worth on the whole situation, firstly:

 

WE AREN'T COMMUNICATING PROPERLY IN PERSON ANYMORE.

In a culture of scrolling and swiping society can become a place of high demand, quick judgements and low tolerance. We wan't everything and we want it now. We see a post title we don't honestly read the whole thing, like it share it watch it grow, true or false the story continues. Thumbs up, double tap move on. We aren't checking in with the facts or really spending face to face time to REALLY see how people are doing. It's easy to put up a facade online people can be suffering right under our noses and looking glam in a filter. There's a sense of humanity lacking when we interacted to flippantly and quickly and a lot of the time we're only getting half the story and we can be doing a lot damage to others. We need to spend more time reaching out listening and gathering whole informations about each other, about society about the world overall.

 

Secondly;

 

WE MUST TO BE KINDER TO EACH OTHER

I know what it's like to feel like you're constantly under threat or being attacked in some way shape or form, but that doesn't mean we should be attacking others as pre-emptive defence mechanism we're just perpetuating the fears that divide society. We have platform to spread love and kindness and we need to be using it. We could be being so much more open, genuine and kind. Give a good review for every bad one, send happy thoughts, post happy news stories.

 

In my line of work sometimes there is sometimes a terrible to temptation to appear more together than you actually are, after all how can you create a platform to help others if you're not feeling 100% yourself? You can't help others if you're feeling low. Yogi's shouldn't have PTSD we're supposed to be the personification of calm.

 

Nonsense, horse pee and bull poop!

 

Yes life gets a little shitty for everyone , the danger is in the deception. I see so much false spirituality and forced positivity in the 'haling forum' that I'm shocked and amused that I could miss all the signs in myself. It's because of my dark times I've developed the  the tool kit I have to empathise and help others heal. I've spent too long post parenthood trying to hide my humanity, to keep my vulnerable side away from the public sphere, as a new mother you just have to keep swimming and it's easy to get lost in the current. Well today I'm waiving my arms in the air and saying notice me too, the struggling mum, the devoted wife, the teacher, the healer and the human in me, we are all one and the same.

 

As well as teaching yoga I live in a pub and I do the behind the scenes work so my 'living room' is the bar, it's a very public sphere and it's 99% of the time it's wonderful to be a public part of my communityto have all these loving faces watching my daughter grow, "it takes a village" and I'm blessed to be here, but on a day like yesterday it's suffocating. People have a lot of opinions and my husband and I are learning parent in the public eye whilst trying to keep the business afloat and we we work 7 days a week. 

 

The thing is my husband I are new(ish) parents and parenting really isn't that easy, I mean seriously someone should put that on the label... babies and toddlers are hard work! (also expensive) All you want to do is do right by them (and sleep). Running a pub isn't easy you're in the business of pleasing people constantly and it's 24/7. My husband and I are trying to use the space as more than a place to go get hammered we believe in community and 'the village' and are happy to create a safe space with positive vibes and open doors so when someone attacked the fundamentals of what we're doing it did trigger me.

 

Do we make mistakes in our business? Yes. Last night there was an incident between 2 groups which he cleared up by moving one group inside and offering them a drink on the house simply to stop them kicking off any further, to be honest I'd buy my whole pub a round of drinks regardless of the situation if it meant I could calm a fight and stop someone getting injured, to my knowledge there has never been a physical altercation on our premises whilst my husband was in charge (yes its been close but we always diffuse in anyway we can. we're a positive happy place to be) there were people who didn't like this and took to social media to campaign against my husband. To purposefully harm him and the business for what gain? Over something so simple and so silly. 

 

 

To what end? Do they know the effects this has a man who is already stressed to his wits end? Do they mean to cause harm? I'd like to think not.

 

Do we forget when we're acting online that our actions have consequences?

 

Facebook isn't a real wall, it doesn't protect you or anyone else.

 

It got me wondering, Why do we do this?

 

Is it the anonymity that the media wall creates? Is it like road rage? The safety of the car gives you a feeling of security to assert yourself in a different way to that of the vulnerable pedestrian?

 

Normally I'm a firm believer that what other people think of you is none of your business but yesterday is great example of how I allowed something to hurt me even though it had nothing to do with me directly ALMOST... almost tried to dive in a fix it make it my responsibilty. I want to share this to say that:

 

It taught me a lesson not just about myself but also about communication on the whole and led me to a question; How much of ourselves are we hiding even from ourselves?

 

Has this online culture put pressure on us to appear polished to chase likes when actually it's our flaws that makes us loveable? 

 

Where does the real us end and the 'I'm fine' facade begin? 

 

Do we use social media to replace attention and affections we're missing as human interactions?

 

Have we lost empathy by creating a platform that doesn't really show the ramifications of our actions?

 

I know that in my darkest times I was guilty of scrolling obsessively and mistaking social media for social interactions.

 

I find it easy to help others communicate it's my natural gift however when my own self is under the microscope I'm far less articulate, so I'll use the safety of this blog as a public platform to firstly to let you know that I got lost. 

 

I thought being a yogi, a healer, a therapist gave me tools to cure myself once. So II felt is was unacceptable to fall back in again. Like I was failing.

 

I was so wrong. 

 

Darkness is essential,

 

Feel it heal don't deny yourself. It's your vulnerable side your human side that is the most enigmatic, the most real. Your strength is in your honesty, the days you think you can't carry on and some how you do those are the days that make you, so don't deny them, be proud. If in writing this my words can resonate with one person then I'm so glad I did it.  

 

Today I'd like to say:

 

 

To myself in all honesty

 

I love you and it's okay not be okay sometimes , you've survived 100% of your bad days and I'm proud of you! You as much as anyone else deserve your own love, care and attention.

 

 

To anyone struggling with similar issues in all honesty

 

I love you and it's okay not be okay sometimes , you've survived 100% of your bad days and I'm proud of you! You as much as anyone else deserve your own love, care and attention.

 

 

To the people who are angry at my husband

 

I see you, I acknowledge your anger and I validate it. You can talk to me. I hope we can put this all behind us.Maybe yesterday was a dark day for you, I get it! I want to be as nice as possible so maybe look away now whilst I speak with my husband  

 

.... and to my husband ...

 

F*** their opinions, I mean I jest but actually, they are just opinions. They are not a reflection of you. I see you, I see how hard you work the sacrifices you make and the levels you go to make everyone else happy. You can't please everyone and these opinions do not truly reflect the man, the father, the rock I know you are. I'm sorry I reacted so badly and I've got your back 100% rage an unholy war if you must as long as I don't to wear shoes and a bra on the same day I'm all in! I'd even let you cheat at Uno.

 

... and to anyone and everyone who made it this far in my incoherent ramblings thank you for your time already feel lighter....

 

... I hope you're happy, I hope you allow space for your darkness so a light can shine in. I hope you will be kind where there is an option to do so, I hope you may do for others and allow others to do for you. I hope you live your truth, speak your truth and surround yourself with people who inspire you, reward you, praise and uplift you. I hope you're honest with yourself and I hope you know how special you are. If you ever need to lighten the load I'm here.

 

 

 

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Polly Castellano

Let's be Kind, Loving & Mischievous .... Kind of Like a Big Puppy! 

Yoga with Polly

 

 

 
 

 

YOGA SHROPSHIRE
NUTRITIONAL THERAPIST 

  CLEOBURY MORTIMER DY14  8BS

AND THE LUDLOW SHROPSHIRE AREA.
07375733302 
pollymbond@gmail.com

UK Launch 2019

I'm having a baby, can't wait to share this experience with you, I'll be up and running soon!

"Polly is a health and spirituality geek who emphasises on the importance of being gentle with the self, rather aiming to stretch and push the tissues, she focuses on embodying the tissues in their movements creating body intelligence.  She aims to guide you to tune in to the bodies subtle whispers and understand why as well as the how we move the way we do. Her number one passion is wellbeing and so she is qualified in all aspects of a healthy body and mind in order to give you the best all round advice. "